My story

The Portal

I grew up inside an emotional storm.
My mother moved in and out of hospitals with mental health challenges...
My father moved through volatile relationships...

And as a child, I felt deeply impacted by the instability and grief generated by these challenging situations.

So, to survive, I learned some behavioural strategies...

To stay small.
To stay quiet.
To hide my despair so as not to add to the upset.

This survival map stayed with me...

It showed up in school, in my relationships, in addictive behaviours, and in all the ways I muted myself to try to keep safe.

Over time, I realised I had internalised a deeply negative view of myself, and a belief that the depth of my emotional insights and expressions did not belong, were not important, and would never be truly met or valued.

So they should be hidden.

It meant I suppressed myself from taking part in things I really wanted to take part in, which created a well of hungry, untapped, creatively frustrated energy in me... later to be unleashed...

As I grew older, to soothe the ache of this “unconscious depression of self-suppression”, I dedicated myself to giving the care and recognition that I needed as a child to the intimate connections who arrived in my life.

I kept seeking through them what I felt was missing inside.

Another’s brilliant yet broken body became my solace, while I rejected my own inner sanctuary.

It was a pleasurable strategy, of course, and I became so “good” at it that I almost stuffed the negative beliefs created from the heartbreak of home entirely under the rug...

...until one day, the cries got too loud, and I was forced to pay attention:

I needed to work out what was really going on here.

After many debilitating, yet illuminating and growth-inducing cycles, I realised I had been unconsciously recreating the chaotic scenes of home life so I could find an answer to this one urgent question:

Why can’t everybody just love each other?

And I must say, the quest for this answer has been “exquisitely excruciating and excruciatingly exquisite” — Quote: Keef Wesolowski-Miles, aka The Dancing Poet.

In 2017, I landed in a new kind of sanity and energetic solace.

I was a year deep into my “saturnian cracking” after a powerful separation with a beloved friend, and hunting for answers to console my hurting yet hopeful, obliterated heart.

I attended a sober, conscious rave led by hypnotherapist Tom Fortes Mayer.

I was captivated by his gorgeously open, warm, fuzzy, unconditionally embracing heart, and his super-hypnotic, rave-shamanic ways.

I wanted to learn more.

Unexpectedly, this was when...

Inner Child Work was revealed to me.

My lifelong question —
“Why can’t everyone just love each other?” —

received an upgrade:

“Why can’t I just love myself?”

This moment expanded and illuminated my path forever.

I began training alongside a community of self-healing seekers and natural therapists, and we embarked on a journey together to meet the hidden, sorrowful, hurting, longing parts of ourselves who had been hiding under the rocks of shame and self-blame for years.

We learned to greet them with the healing frequencies of love, peace, compassion, and unified presence.

I witnessed our inner parts rise as they were lovingly conjured to crack through the mirage of our grown-up faces.

To my awe, there were indeed so many little hurting parts inside us, needing relief for so long, longing for us to finally hear the cry of their song; reconnecting them to safety, to adult understanding, to this present moment, to earth’s gentle “aum”.

I discovered I could become aware of the self-limiting beliefs I had formed through a difficult childhood: about myself, about life, about others — beliefs like “I’m not good enough” — that had been influencing how I experienced my life and holding me back for years.

I also discovered I had the ability to challenge and transform these beliefs with more liberating and empowering perspectives, in order to influence my reality for the better, for good.

Through plant medicine ceremonies, kirtans — communal singing circles — yoga, and the support of powerful guides disguised as friends, lovers, sisters, animals, fathers, mothers, I dared to sip the potion of inner exploration and drop into the darkness of this mysterious body sanctuary I had been fearing for years.

And there, I discovered I was not what I had feared and judged myself to be:

a Bad Girl under a Punishing God.

Oh no.

I was actually filled with immense Creativity. Joy. Power. Ancestral Wisdom.
And the Healing Power of Sacred Song and Sound.

I discovered the ability to soothe myself through my own voice, to connect with finer frequencies, and to develop a living relationship with prayer and communion with life beyond the limited view of myself.

I began to recover my Nature-Gifted, hidden potentials — such as being a healer and a musician — and I began experiencing the elevation and expansion of my life experiences.

And I began realising more and more:

healing isn’t about “fixing” this “broken” self.

It is about breathing, crying, screaming, roaring life-force energy back through who we’ve always been, underneath the trauma, the survival patterns, the conditioning, the addictions, and the mental stories — and creating the optimal conditions for our inner magic to become the guiding force of our lives.

Never Give Up. Only Give In —
to The One Who is Truly, Deeply Within.